Inelegant? Perish The Thought!

Garden toads are horny little creatures, and they're quite delightful to view, in my opinion. But elegant, by any stretch of a feverish imagination, they are not.

They are elemental little amphibians, and it's nice to know that one's garden is sufficiently cleansed of harmful chemicals to attract toads. They are not slimy or cold-blooded like reptiles, nor are they cuddly like those other little creatures present in gardens; chipmunks and squirrels. Unlike birds, they do not sing, nor do they sound, but they do perform useful functions, hunting insects.

There are some people who remind one of other creatures with whom we share this Earth. People who are horny, slimy, cold-blooded and who yet sing their own praise while hunting their prey. There is one individual who comes instantly to mind whose character encapsulates all these attributes, and more.

He has a name that sings to the tongue, but his tedious ego and his lust for salacious trysts does him no credit, little more the executive post he holds.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi claims that all the luridly scabrous allegations levelled against him - not least those made public by someone who should know him as well as anyone possibly could; his long-suffering and utterly disgusted wife - are false and completely without substance in truth.

"There are a lot of pretty girls about. I am no saint, but you know that."

Yes, we do, the entire world knows that; you have made it abundantly clear that you are no saint, and that pretty girls, both young and old find you completely irresistible. A little long in the tooth many might say, but they're rarely men, mostly women. And you most certainly do present as a horny old toad. Somewhat lacking the natural allure of the real thing.

You do have the ability to place things in their proper perspective, we'll give you that: "As long as I'm present, nothing inelegant can happen because I'm a person of good taste, culture and elegance." It is undeniably good taste for a bored and self-obsessed 72-year-old to lust after and pursue a 17-year-old girl, no doubt about it.

Your good taste is most obvious, as is your cultured background and your attention to elegance when you entertain call girls whose fee has been paid by your good friends seeking political and business advantage in return. You, after all, need pay no one for sexual gratification; it nullifies the lure of the chase, the art of seduction.

Of which you are a past master. Maestro. Let the drums roll, the violins wail, the trumpets blare.