Bare and Bear It

Well, Canadians don't have to worry. Those really heinously annoying, hair-bristling pat-downs that U.S. fliers are having to contend with won't be repeated in Canada. Nope. Canadians aren't like that; we're polite to a fault, and handling someone else's private parts is simply a no-go.

On the other hand, it will put a definite crimp in a lot of Canadians' plans in their usual vacation-time pursuits flying to destinations in Florida, California, Texas. Or not, as the case may be (see above).

What a choice, opt either for the full body scan and get a whack of radioactive contamination, or select instead another kind of intimate intrusion with some loutishly officious hireling insisting you explain that urology bag strapped to your mid-section, or why the hell you'd want to have nipple piercings to begin with, and snap them off, quick, if you want to board that plane.

People just shouldn't get so excited and upset about trifles. So what if you feel so possessive and protective about your junk? Everyone's got the same junk. Honestly, it's just a fact of life. If your junk is just like everyone else's, what's all the fuss about? Just bare and bear it. After all, you've got a destination you're anxious to get to, and there are no other alternatives, right?

Take it from an authority, a gentleman who has been around, and who, in his line of work, as gad-about reporter, cosmopolitan book author, conference-attending academic, and now political jouster on the go, is always embarking on a trip to some exotic location. From Croatia-Serbia to Germany, Britain to Ukraine, Kurdistan to Canada, the U.S. to Russia, he's been there. And back.

"If you're in my business, you live in an airport. So I have people touching my private parts all day long, and all I have to say is...that's what we have to do to keep us safe", enthuses Michael Ignatieff, Leader of the Liberal party of Canada. And here we were, the electorate, wondering what this man does all the time. He has casually enlightened us; he entertains privacy-fondlers. Fondly.

Well, we're assured that if Michael Ignatieff doesn't mind, the rest of the air travellers, far less confident than he, far less important than he, shouldn't mind. We may have something else in the works to give us second pause; that federal authorities are considering the utility of arming airport border guards so travelers can be greeted on their international arrival flights by armed guards.

What a treat.

Not only that, those who are getting those intimate little junk-shakes can now enjoy them privately, not within transparently screened areas where the show is public as trousers drape on the floor, but "We're going to put those privacy screens in place and that's going to help with on-the-spot-privacy", promised Transport Minister Chuck Strahl. None of those "provocative" American-style feel-abouts, either. Damn.

"Canadians obviously have a right to expect to be treated properly and respectfully at airports, and CATSA has an obligation to do that." Damn.

"But I can also confirm that while the Americans have instituted a more intensive, if you can call it that, pat-down technique, that's not happening in Canada. CATSA's not doing that. They have no intention of doing that. It's a completely separate system. So what you're seeing on YouTube is American examples of, you know, a pretty provocative type of pat-down that doesn't exist in Canada."

And that's re-assuring? Damn.