OUR ALLEGEDLY AMERICAN ALLEGEDLY CHRISTIAN ALLEGEDLY INTELLIGENT ALLEGEDY LOQUACIOUS PRESIDENT ALLEGEDLY MADE THESE REMARKS

Text of Obama’s prepared remarks:

Good morning, everybody.

I wanted to take just a few minutes to update the American people on the attempted ALLEGED terrorist attack that ALLEGEDLY occurred on Christmas Day and the steps we're ALLEGEDLY taking to ensure the safety and security of the country.

The investigation's ALLEGEDLY ongoing.

And I ALLEGEDLY spoke again this morning with ALLEGED Attorney General Eric Holder, the ALLEGED secretary of homeland security, Janet Napolitano, and my ALLEGED counterterrorism and homeland security adviser, John Brennan. I ALLEGEDLY asked them to keep -- continue monitoring the situation to keep the ALLEGED American people and ALLEGED members of Congress informed.

Here's what we ALLEGEDLY know so far: On Christmas Day- ALLEGEDLY, Northwest Airlines Flight 253 was ALLEGEDLY en route from Amsterdam, Netherlands, to Detroit. As the plane ALLEGEDLY made its final approach to Detroit Metropolitan Airport, a passenger allegedly tried to ignite an explosive device on his body, ALLEGEDLY setting off a fire.

Thanks to the ALLEGEDLY quick and heroic actions of passengers and crew, the ALLEGED suspect was ALLEGEDLY immediately subdued, the fire was ALLEGEDLY put out, and the plane ALLEGEDLY landed safely. The ALLEGED suspect is now ALLEGEDLY in custody and has been ALLEGEDLY charged with attempting to destroy an aircraft.

A full investigation has ALLEGEDLY been launched into this ALLEGEDLY attempted act of ALLEGED terrorism, and we will not rest until we find all who were involved and hold them accountable.

Now, this was a serious reminder of the ALLEGED dangers that we ALLEGEDLY face and the ALLEGED nature of those who ALLEGEDLY threaten our ALLEGED homeland.

Had the ALLEGED suspect succeeded in bringing down that ALLEGED plane, it could have ALLEGEDLY killed nearly 300 ALLEGED passengers and crew, ALLEGEDLY innocent civilians ALLEGEDLY preparing to celebrate the holidays with their ALLEGED families and friends.

The American people should be assured that we are doing everything in our power to keep you and your family safe and secure during this ALLEGEDLY busy holiday season.

Since I was ALLEGEDLY first notified of this ALLEGED incident, I've ALLEGEDLY ordered the following actions to be taken to ALLEGEDLY protect the ALLEGED American people and to secure air travel.

ALLEGEDLY THIS IDIOT IS GONNA BE POTUS OFR THREE MORE YEARS.

I HOPE WE SURVIVE UNTIL NOIVEMBER 2010!